A “Pop Personality Test”
Take at Your Own Peril. Lessons in Marriage.
A discussion of, Is My Husband a Doormat? How a personality test changed our marriage. By Lidija Hilje, Modern Love, NYT, March 14, 2025.
I am always interested in a title like this, especially because my husband is SUCH a nice guy-- not the peacemaker in the immediate family by any means, but probably considered a peacemaker in the broader world, outside the confines and protections of our own home.
In Lidija Hillje's article, it all starts when she sends her husband a link to a personality test that was making its rounds on social media. She came out as an "Individualist"--smart, strong-willed, and possibly selfish. She found it somewhat true and also amusing and thought he would enjoy his results of the "pop personality test" too. He did in fact take the test, but he was infuriated about what he learned. He was a "Peacemaker" with connotations of subordinating his own wants, desires, and "who" he really is. It was a blow to his psyche--it wasn't how he saw himself and further a whole lot of resentful feelings came bursting through."We lay in bed afterward with our backs to each other, one of only a handful of times we had done that in our 20 years together." I think many of us can identify when there is something that is so profoundly wrong, and one or the other... or both feel adrift and alone.
There is a solid story behind this. Her husband did in fact often subordinate what he wanted for himself--for the good of his family, but not because he was a doormat, rather because during his upbringing there were reasons that he didn't want to make waves, be a burden, or even be noticed. They found that in fact their marriage was good, and they both learned how to "dance" around the past--because they wanted to. I'm not going to be a spoiler, but after some time, Lidija convinces him to take the personality test again. Definitely look for the article. It's a quick, interesting, and for me a feel good read. It will also provide the answer to the riddle of why this thumbnail image was selected for this post. It is beautiful, isn’t it?
